Jake Sully, of the Na'vi, had conquered the human invasion to Pandora. They had sent those foul alien creatures back to their dying planet, and with them, the corruption and sadness that had come with them. But they had done some serious damage to the forest, that was irreversible. They had destroyed Hometree, and with it, the home of the Na'vi. Without a home, the Na'vi became a tribe of wanderers, left to explore the unknown reaches of the forest in search of a new home. Jake with the help of the clan leader was leading the search party, to find a new home for the wandering tribe.
"Jake, come here" Said Atteryi, "I have found more bloodmoss." This was a valuable herb, that was used to heal wounds and cure a rash that was caused by a vile weed of the forest devilweed, which upon contact with, made the skin itch and bleed.
"Great work" Jake said, "Norm has a bad rash that needs curing, bring it to him." Atteryi did his bidding obediently. She was respectful of Jake's leadership, as he flew atop the great beast whose kind had only been tamed and used as a mount three times in Na'vi history. All of the clan respected Jake almost as another clan leader, Tsu'tey - he commanded that much respect.
The southern reaches of the jungle were unexplored by the Na'vi and it was believed that they went for many miles. Jake believed that they would find their new home in this section of the forest, but Atteryi wasn't so sure it was a good idea to go to those unexplored reaches; "There are reasons we have not gone there Jake, the beasts that roam those parts of the forest are far more formidable and aggressive, and the plants are noxious and poisonous, the water undrinkable."
"Atteryi, we have nowhere else to go. I see you look to the southern reaches and see a place that is uninhabitable, but I am certain we will find a new home there. An oasis in the desert of beasts and poisonous plants. If we have enough bloodmoss to neutralize what the dangerous plants do to us we will be okay, and if we keep to the air then the beasts that roam in those parts can't hurt us. I understand that we can't journey in the air the entire time, our mounts need to rest and sleep, but if we spend as little time on the forest floor as possible, I believe our losses will not be as bad as what we gain."
Atteryi looked at Jake, and something passed between them, and she knew that his mind was made up. They had a bond, and Atteryi knew when Jake set his mind to something that it would be done. They were to go into the most dangerous parts of the forest and search for a new place to claim as their own.
The people were ready for the journey, and they looked forward to finding a new place to claim as their own. They flew over this unexplored jungle, but it was hard to see the ground or in fact anything due to the coverage of trees. Jake realised that his idea of flying over this land was not going to achieve them anything, and he discussed with the Tsu'tey what their approach should be.
"The way I see it, our only means of exploring the forest and actually seeing how the land is formed, is by travelling on the ground." Jake said, urging Tsu'tey to listen to him.
"The beasts that live down there are primitive, and they will attack us if we venture too close to them, or go near their young. I would forsee a lot of Na'vi deaths, if we take this approach." Tsu'tey replied.
"But we have no other choice! Our home has been destroyed by the sky people, and we have nowhere else to go. This is the only path we have that can get our people a safe home once again."
Tsu'tey nodded his great head with reluctant agreement, "Yes, your words have merit, Jake Sully. Very well, we must do this."
The tribe began its pilgrimage into the dangerous and unknown reaches of the forest, not knowing what lay ahead, but knowing that destruction and ruin lay behind them. But their spirits were far from broken, Jake had instilled upon the people a sense of happiness and hope, as if his powerful words had been absorbed by the people and accepted.
But this was before the first attack happened. A Devilsaur, a 35 foot beast resembling a Tyrannosaurus Rex, lumbered into a clearing near the clan, who were travelling through the undergrowth. They saw it before it saw them.
"Jake" Atteryi croaked "that is one of the most feared beasts in the entire jungle, they are a rare breed, but it has been our misfortune to meet this one so early in our travels. We must try to be quiet, and slip away before it notices us, or that will be certain death."
But before she finished her sentence, its head turned in their direction, and its large slitted eye saw them. Jake saw a cruel intelligence flicker in that eye, and it reared upon its hind legs, and let out a roar so loud, the very trees shook, and all the nearby birds took flight. Jake stood, in front of his people, and faced this monstrosity. He had nothing but a cruel blade in his hand, and his wits. The other Na'vi backed off, but Tsu'tey came to his side, a wry smile upon his lips.
"I do not mind meeting my end by your side, Jake Sully, you are an honourable friend, and I relish the opportunity to die fighting next to you in battle."
Jake grimaced, not taking his eyes off the beast. "I have done much Tsu'tey, and I do not plan to meet my end by this creature. Step back, I will do this alone."
But Tsu'tey coldly refused. The beast saw what the two Na'vi were doing, and it bellowed at them, covering them with its foul breath.
"COME ON" Jake roared, as he prepared to spring.
It's a cool perspective. I like it man. A few things I might change just to tone it up abit though, are:
ReplyDelete- Change the beginning a bit, just so there's a little less of the backstory that's not relevant (Hometree is relevant, but the tree of souls might not be) etc.
- Just re-read it and sort the flow of the story. It more or less works as is, but you could smooth out a sentence here and there.
I know it's just a draft, and it's only my opinion. I'm really liking what I see so far though. Keep up the good work!
As far as I'm concerned you've pretty much written the trailer for the next Avatar film. I could easily imagine how this may have looked had it been on screen. The writing style was consistent with the atmosphere of the film, especially the dialog. The interactions between the character was written as if they had been said during the film. I liked the way you came up with the idea of devil weed giving the Na'Vi people an awful rash and then coming up with blood moss as the cure. The introduction was also very could, a great way to start the story as it tied any lose ends.
ReplyDeleteHey again,
ReplyDeleteYou've tightened some up the beginning like I said, which is good, it works alot better imo.
Some other bits to polish might be:
Your sentences: Alot of them don't quite make sense, or they do, but could be structured in a cleaner and easier to read way. I'd recommend just reading back through your fan-fic and re-constructing sentences as you go.
A bit of Spelling and Grammar too. Doesn't need to be perfect of course, but if there's heaps of mistakes it ruins the flow of your story. Use spell-checker or whatever, I think there's one built into Blogger so it should be easy enough.
Basically just Editing really. The story's there, complete and good otherwise.
Hey Bryon nice story man, I agree with money, this could easily be the sequel to avatar. I like the idea of Devil Weed giving the Na'vi natives an awful rash and the cure being blood moss. Nice creative ideas there. The only constructive criticism I'd give you would be to proof read everything and like just copy past everything to Microsoft word to see if all your grammar makes sense because I was slightly confused when I read a few sentences. Other than that nice story and I look forward to reading the final draft. =]
ReplyDeleteThanks guys.
ReplyDeleteYes Reuben i have taken the liberty to tighten up the sentence structure, and have done my best to correct the spelling errors (hopefully you wont find too many now!)
Your feedback has been helpfull and graciously accepted, it is good to get a feel of what other people think of it. Thanks for the comments, they are appreciated